Lately I've been feeling a little reflective, sad and unsure of what I should be doing. We were at church yesterday and it was a baby dedication Sunday, so cute all those little babies and it got me thinking. Ron and I always said that we were done and I was ok with that. But now looking at all those little ones got me thinking. All day yesterday I thought and figured how things could work, trying to make it right in my head. I know that because my 30th birthday is coming up that I'm feeling those old bio-time clocks ticking. For every reason that I want to have another baby comes 3 more that say we shouldn't. Finances, going through all the baby stuff again, having to do the babysitter thing again. I just can't see it happening at this point. I mean Abby is 5 already. That's quite a gap. I don't think that I can be a stay at home mom, and I don't want to do the babysitter route again.
Then I got to thinking about the real reason I was sad. In some ways I think we missed our chance to have more but in reality I'm sad that I really won't have anymore babies. I'm sad that my kids are growing so quickly. I'm sad, in some ways, that I'm not sure of the direction my life is taking me. Is this what I planned? I wanted to travel and do cool things. Yes, I do get the fact that I can still travel and do all those things but I see old friends that are single with no kids globe trotting and mountain climbing. I have always been a homebody kind of person and wouldn't trade my life for anyones but I wonder if I missed out on something. Sometimes I'm not sure I want to be a grown up. Life just seems so....not sure. I know that all these thoughts are surfacing just because I will be 30 soon. That seems like the peak of grownupness. Not sure if I'm ready for that.
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