I sometimes wonder if we are all meant to have a certain size body. Everyone knows that we all have a different shape and each is beautiful in its own ways. I started a long journey back in 2006 when I joined a weight loss challenge at work. I knew that I was overweight but the number on the scale that stared back at me shocked me to no end. To be honest I wanted to lie when they wrote down my starting weight. At 5 ft 2 I was 190lbs. With a smack in the face I started to eat better though I didn’t exercise much. I was super strict in my food choices. Not too many carbs, no alcohol, no processed foods of any kind and definitely no cookies or donuts. I ended up winning the challenge with having lost 33lbs in 12 weeks. But I didn’t stop there. I kept going till I got close to my final goal. When I started my goal was to go down from an 18 to a 14, then I went to a 12, then a 10 and finally I came to rest at an 8! I was shocked and amazed. Although I missed my goal of hitting 130 lbs I stopped at a132.I always thought that I was a big boned girl and that’s how I was. After loosing 58lbs I found this small petite woman inside.
The year that I turned 30 I was in the shape that I wanted to be for the most part. I’ve never had a firm toned stomach and after 2 kids I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Then I started to try and balance out my eating so that I wouldn’t loose more. But I found that I ended up gaining 10bls that summer I turned 30. It was also at that time that Ron and I decided to have another baby. When I became pregnant with Owen I was about 144lbs. I took the liberty during my pregnancy to eat whatever I was craving. I didn’t have massive cravings but what I did was very not healthy for me. Can we say pizza pops and pop tarts? I gained 60lbs.
After Owen was born I struggled with the eating thing again. How to eat enough to nurse Owen but still loose weight? I’m still trying to loose weight and Owen is almost 2 years old. To be honest I haven’t gone back to that strict eating. I’m not sure what my weight is because my scale is broken. I do know that my size 8’s of yore are buttonable but not pretty looking. There is a whole muffin top coming over top those jeans. I’m wearing the same size tops but my parts are weird. The 10s are a bit big but the 8s are not right either.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t go so strict on my diet anymore. I know that I can maintain this level of weight, after all I’ve been doing it for the past year. Maybe that 10lbs that I gained before I got pregnant with Owen was my body’s way of getting its equilibrium back. I’m not sure. I do know if I go back to eating very strictly I can loose weight. But isn’t it healthier to stay at a normal (for me) weight than to be constantly jumping back and forth between numbers on a scale? I know that even though I do weigh a bit more that I did before Owen that I still feel strong. I’m exercising and eating well. I don’t stress out about having a glass of wine every now and then or splurging on a cookie. I’m learning to love this body, whatever the weight, for what it can do. I’ve been able to give birth to 3 beautiful children naturally, I can nurture them with nursing, cuddling and holding. I can pull 5 kids in a sled for 45 minutes and not collapse in a heap in the driveway. Maybe I need to just focus on my ability and worth as a mom instead of focusing on a number on a scale or a label. My self worth and self esteem is not connected to a number on the scale or a number on a label.
